im really overwhelmed right now with all things i need to do. i need to pack a carry on, all my luggage, my gifts for the family need to be put together, i need to organize everything... its just chaos in my head right now.. im not freakin out on the outside, my i feel like my stomach is literally tied in knots. this is going to be interesting... i have so much to do. uggggh!!!

3 sleeps

Im going to Europe in less than three days. I have Saturday and Sunday... I leave on Monday morning... Oh my goodness...

My God is a God who provides!!

Great way to start off the day... makes me laugh so hard that I can barely breathe!!!!

Today was a great little day... I spent it with Beckah and Lexi!!! It was fun.

Im leaving in a few days. Its now Friday, and I leave Monday!!!! Crazy! Time is going very fast. Im really looking forward to it. What a blessing.

You know what? Im learning that even though my life is so far from perfect, or simple, or easy, regarless of my own crap, God is still sovereign. And you sit there saying, "Uh, yeah.. obviously!" But, when I realize and remember that God is sovereign, I remember he knows it all... what I struggle with, my fears, my emotions, the outcome of every situation... He is good, always good. He proves to be faithful over and over. As I focus my attention to seeing his goodness and his faithfulness in everything, I have found myself so much more compassionate and thankful. Gods doing a new work in me, and though its far from over, Im thankful that I am able to be humbled to be used by his grace for his glory. What an absolutely amazing blessing to be used by God. And how incredible selfish and foolish to pursue my own plans... All I want, and I mean this with everything in me, is for God to complete the work he has started in me and to use everything I am for his Kingdom. . . to live my life in a way that glorifies who he is, to bless his name with my actions and with my words, to live a life of thankfulness and worship, to seek his face and live off his every word, to fulfill his call on my life and to be lead by his spirit. Im taking baby steps, one at a time, and though theyre small, they feel so big. Yet, at the same time, even though Ive grown and changed alot in the past few months, it has been hard, but not "hard". Ive had such grace from God... such freedom to forgive... freedom to love and open myself up... to learn and be taught... to teach.... to give... to experience... to grow...

"All of my life,
In every season
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing;
I have a reason to worship.

This is my prayer in the desert,
when that is in me feels dry.
And this is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides.

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand."

Things are a little crazy right now! I just wrote my History 12 Provincial after sleeping for three hours... and now I have four major essays to write and have handed in by Friday. I work full days Friday and Saturday, and I leave for the mainland on Sunday afternoon... Im in Holy Grounds Sunday morning ... and in between all this, I have to pack, and get ready for my trip. Im a little overwhelmed, and Im already missing everyone. It will be a good trip, but its coming too fast!!! Four days away... oh my goodness... Four days!

6 sleeps.

Its really hard for me to actually imagine myself leaving. I only have six more sleeps until I go... When I get to Hannover, Helena's family is having a family reunion for like three or four days, and I dont speak *any* German. I pray to the Almighty that they speak English, or Im miraculously able to speak German.

I was trying to find a terminal map of the airport in Seattle and Paris, so I could kind of figure out how to get from one gate to the next, but...well... I'll attach a picture of the Paris airport. Next to London Heathrow, its the busiest airport in Europe. "The three terminals are connected by free shuttle buses and handle over 200,000 passengers daily." No big deal right.... I'll be fine.

sandlios and sockinos

What is it with people that make them think its okay to wear socks with sandals? Not only is this directly contrary to the purpose of sandals, its down right friggen atrocious.

Upon being paged this afternoon by speedy fingers Joanne, I made my way from downstairs, all the way to the front desk to take in a guest for a service... I'm sure my response was obvious, and likely quite rude as well, but forgive me and try not to judge because this man.... AHEM... this man... was wearing a pair of decent looking shorts... classy, nonetheless. I walked toward him and looked this slightly overweight middle aged character up and down three or four times. My mouth may have hung open, but Im not sure. As I walked toward him, it clicked for me. "Im being paged because there's a guest. This is probably my guest." I kept walking toward him as I did a few solid blinks...

He was wearing a pair of thick socks with a tight stretchy band that came about half way up his shin. Joanne handed me his sheet of paper and I quickly skimmed over his information so I knew where to take him. "3:15 Sanddollar"... alright... three fifteen... sanddollar...PEDICURE!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Ew. I cant imagine what kind of feet this guy has hidden in his woolen socks!!!! Ech!!

There are so many things wrong with wearing socks and sandals. It just doesn't look good, and I dont understand the purpose of wearing both. Like, why not just wear your boxers over your jeans? Why not wear skiing gloves in the summer??

Pradas Spring 09 line ... socks and sandals. Tons and tons of socks and sandals. Apparently... a few men in our church family are not haute coutier!!!! Socks, and gladiator knee length sandals... wool socks and sandals with 4'' heels!!!! What kind of fool??? Good lord, and who spends money on this junk?????

I beg of you with sincerity of heart... please... please don't wear socks with your sandals, or socks with your flip flops, or socks with your CROCS!!! Wear socks with your running shoes... when your JOGGING. that's it!!! Ever!!!!! Another tangent for next time.

im just on my way to work - but i wanted to quickly post this.

im so overwhelmed by gods faithfulness. even when im a total failure, hes faithful. hes protected me, hes given me strength... joy... the ability to walk in unbelievable grace.. to really trust him with all that i am and all that i have. ive been praying a blessing over me and my family and church family and friends... protection also, and just since then ... gods been proving more and more faithful. it astounds me. hes so good. he is just so stinken amazing. ppl always say i just want you god, i just want what you have for me.... and im guilty of this too... saying it without understanding that entirely... and i probably still dont entirely, but more than anything else, i just want what he has for me.. to be lead in the ways he has for me... its all i want. its what im striving for... and its not frustrating, its enjoyable and rewarding to know that gods got me on his heart and my best interest is very important to him... realizing what it means to be a daughter of the king... hhhhh.... god, youre just so good.

so, levis in india and i really miss him. im going to europe pretty quickly here... not worried, but a little nervous about what its going to look like definitely looking forward to it and the ppl im going to meet and the things im going to see and experience, but i have an idea that it wont be comfortable the whole time... which may be a good thing. im just... really wishing things were they way they used to be right now. life used to be so comfortable and secure. i always had that person to rely on... get coffee with.. spend time with... spending time with madi and brandon makes me miss that... my life is so different from what it used to be just five months ago. i love being stretched, and ive learned so much, but im just missing that ... sense of security. theres not much security here for me right now... anywhere.. haha... its hard. its hard to realize and even harder to live through. its an hour by hour, step by step thing. one day at a time... i wish there was something tangible to place my hands on.... anything specific to look forward to... something to hold onto.... i know god has good things for me... and theyre coming, theyre here. everything just looks different. i gotta just.. rely on god to guide me every step of the way... to direct me... patience... patience patience... patience...

june 10.

just a quick update -

-germany in like.. a week and a half.. woaaaaaaaaaaah
-i ordered some cute little dresses from forever21 tonight!!
-youth was great
-i am going to miss madi tres ALOT when she moves

maybe when you were a kid, if you were anything like me, had a neighborhood water fight almost every day in the summer... i used to think it was the best thing ever. it was so intense. emma and elliot, me and levi, haley and jenna, colton and jody... all of us ballin around filling up garbage cans with water, using hoses, water balloons, buckets, bowls, squirt guns... anything we could find that would hold water we used as weapons.... i remember having buckets of water, and swinging them around and around, quite fascinated that when i spun it fast enough it didnt spill out...

lifes alot like that... youre spinning spinning spinning and youre going crazy and lifes going past you so fast, and you feel like you should be losing it, but you dont... and then your arm and your mind lose a connection somehow, and you lose that momentum, and your arm kinda ... stops... usually when the bucket is right above your head, and until it clicks that you forgot to keep throwing your arm around, the water has a chance to spill out of hte bucket. ..

this week i think i lost that momentum just long enough for all my contents to spill out of the bucket... lifes quite interesting. im seeing how god works depending on my responses.. its interesting. not that god changes, but just how much i allow him to have control over... gods good. hes faithful. always faithful.. when i give him my stress and everything that im carrying, he takes it and proves to be everything i need. grace... love..peace.. patience... iknow it sounds a wee bit corny, but its so very true. gods a good god.

Sister Day

I LOVE my sister!!!

living in grace

its unbelievable that im going to germany in two weeks today... two weeks. gosh. i better start my laundry lol, or i wont be ready in time!!! :) its going to be an absolutely crazy week for me this week. my school deadlines are 12-June... so... thats not much time to do 5 major history essays, a months worth of shakespear studies in english, as well as finishing up food studies, work experience and planning.... hmm... i think my social life may suffer this week. oh well. it will get done. no worries!! gosh, i just cant get over it. a year ago i applied for this exchange.. never thought it'd happen. i need to get some sun...

theres a few major areas in my life that may be out of balance, that ive just been working on, praying through... one of them being learning to pray through things and release them to god. what freedom there is in that... most things that *need* to be released are the hardest to release. . . a grudge or unforgiveness... jealousy... anger... hatred.... these are some of the hardest things to give to god, because their tied up in your pride. understanding your areas of weakness, and your areas of fault, and default are really important to focus on, and give extra attention to. there is such freedom when we release these things to god and give him free reign to work. when we release them, were letting go of our pride, our power, our security (as if our issues bring us some sort of security lol... sometimes you feel more secure though i guess, if you can hold onto it)... anyway, my point is that the hardest things to ask god to change in your life are also the most important. giving god free reign over your areas of weakness brings such freedom. forgiving releases life... grudges keep you in bondage. if theres anything im learning in my present days, its that its not my place to judge. its my place to forgive, to give my hurts to god, and to release it at that and move on. theres a release of life and freedom when we choose not to be angry. ive chosen both paths, and anger, judgement, and grudges only hurt me... im learning in all this, that its important to respect, regardless. its important to be slow to anger, and to not judge the situation. its so easy to quickly judge, and be angry... its easy because its natural. its the flesh. if its natural, its not being led by the spirit... a symptom (lol) of being led by the spirit is being loving when you could be angry. being joyful when you could be frustrated. having a peace of god, when you could be anxious. being kind when you have every right to be disrespectful. being patient when youre at the end of your wits... responding gently when you want to scream at them at the top of your lungs... and in it all... being faithful to your character, to who you are, to your identity in christ..... being faithful to what you believe, and to the standards you have set for yourself...

gods so good. i keep praying for something good to come out of my current struggles, and were not quire there yet, but gods working. hes a big god, and i see him orchestrating everything to work out for his glory. i love calling him my almighty... its so powerful... hes not a little itty bitty god... hes a big powerful limitless god. hes all i need... im finding that in every circumstance he satisfies me, fulfills me, gives me rest.... forgives me... covers me in his peace... hes faithful... even when nobody else is... "all of you is more than enough for all of me. for every thirst...for every need."

there must be something good coming ..

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”- Psalm 90:2,4

june 5...

well. its been some of the hardest days of my life this week. i often poke fun at those overdramatic young girls... or the emos... and definitely not that im either, but i can relate. listening to music right now is even overwhelming... theres far too much emotion in it. its like a checklist for every line in the song. yup, been there. yup, feelin that... yup... thats the truth. some days i think im just... too unaffected. its like ... when you get shot, you clean a wound... you fix it... but lately, a wounds just a wound and i dont seem to care whether i clean out the little rocks and wipe off the dirt before it heals over. i know its not right, but maybe its easier...

you know.. when youre a little kid at the swimming pool, and theres always that jerk that thinks its funny to dunk ppl? he dunks you when youre not expecting it, you panic and try to get to the surface for air, but he pushes you down again. then you start to get angry... youre sure youre going to die.... and when you finally get to the surface, all you want is a big breathe of air. well... i can also relate.


im tired of being broken, to extend grace and heal again, just to be broken... im angry for sure, but im more hurt than anything else. confused, frustrated, aching... i spent three hours puking over the toilet last night crying my little heart out. this is stupid. . . . time to move on and let go of a few dreams.

cut down? suitable perhaps. life is so full of turns and twists and bumps and... freakin unexpected brick walls that show up when youre driving 250kmh. . . what a great post on the heels of my last one. i can keep myself accountable just by rereading my own posts apparently! anyway, im not sure why im blogging right now. maybe cause im really frustrated. hold my head high. hold myself to a standard.... and winga lee dinga lee!!! a nice big rock hits me in the head and busts my chin. great. try holding it up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lifes good. gods still good. my life isnt over... but practically... almost...

not really... im being dramatic. just pray for me! for heavens sake... just pray for me. i need some wisdom from god himself right now.

later dayz.

freedom

A couple of nights ago at work, I was having a really hard night. I was thinking about all these things that made my day nasty, just as a friend Janie came in for her shift. She seemed stressed and upset, so, I asked how she was doing. After a little bit of question asking, I found out that her mom had been diagnosed with cancer in her brain stem just this past week... I think my mouth literally dropped. In a split second all sorts of thoughts were going through my mind... "How does Janie feel? Is she going to move back home with her mom? How long does her mom live? Is she in pain? Is there treatment? How will this affect Janie? I wonder how Janies dealing with it... Whats going through her moms mind right now?". . . As Im thinking of this, all my thoughts came to a halt and God said, "But you have been redeemed from the curse of the law."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Immediately I had an attitude switch... a revelation, really. Im FREE from the curse of the law, because Christ was made a curse for me! Yeah, that was a smack on the cheek for me. Im healthy. Im free. I dont live in bondage, or fear. I am free. FREE. . .

Janie walked out of the staffroom a little while later, and went on with her shift... Sue walked in not long after, and said to me, "How are you, Sam?" ... and I looked at her, put down the pool cup, and said, "Im doing good! Im doing really well thank you!" I didnt feel like, and didnt look like it, but I thought to myself... "Im free.. Ive been redeemed. Im healthy. My familys healthy... Im blessed..."

I came home and studied my Bible a bit more about Galations 3:13, because all day it was on my heart and I really felt God was pressing this on me for a reason. So, I journalled about what "free from the curse of the law" means.

I am free from:
-Poverty
-Sickness/Diseases
-Spiritual death

I am studying into this daily still. Free from the curse of the law... wow. Jesus died so that these curses didn't have any place in my life... so that I could be free..

Im so captivated by this... Im so sold on living on the promises in the word of God. . . the blessing it brings to every area of our lives to live in accordance with the law of God, and in covanent with God.

God is so good. I shake my head and laugh because Im just so overwhelmed with who he is... the wisdom he gives me... the courage... the peace... the strength... because Im free... Im in covanent... Im his daughter... because of this, I look forward to every day... to be lead by the Spirit every day... to see how God can use me, every day..

Little sidenote - pray about this... study this... study into what youve been freed from!!! be thankful... constantly thankful to god for what hes done for us.... The fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom. Be humble. Be in awe... be so thankful... try to understand what Hes done for you, and you wont be able to help yourself from being thankful and overwhelmed by his goodness... thats a fear of the lord...

Im just seriously so overwhelmed by the greatness of my god. Hes so good. So good.

summer playlist <3

Samantha's Summer 009 Playlist


1. You Found Me - The Fray
2. Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
3. Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
4. Trip - Hedley
5. Beautiful - Jason Reeves
6. Droplets - Colbie and Jason
7. Change Your Mind - Boyce Avenue
8. Hear Me Now - Boyce Avenue
9. Not Enough - Boyce Avenue
10.Switchfoot - Only Hope
11.Last Day of 1888 - Kids in the Way
12.Autumn Acoustic - Haste the Day
13.Who I am Hates Who Ive Been - Relient K
14.Give Until There's Nothing Left - Relient K

"No one told me how bad I need you, but I somehow made that conclusion all by myself."

clay to the potter

im so in love with the song here is gone by the goo goo dolls...

goodness sakes.. its been such a weird couple of days for me. sometimes, i just dont understand myself. i know that sounds kind of ... emo... but really, i am me, shouldnt i know myself pretty well and understand myself? yeah well... i dont. i do the stupidest things sometimes and its a good thing theres new mercies every morning. some days i should just go right back to bed and wait for the next day, cause it doesnt take me to long to blow it.

"O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."
jeremiah 18:6

sweet scripture. i love it. its interesting.. im learning that even when i think im strong, and i can do things on my own, i really am fragile. ive never thought of myself that way, i dont think i ever will, or could... im too... independent i guess. even when i do everything on my own, i fall flat down though, which is what i mean by fragile. maybe thats a wrong word, but i guess what i mean is even tho im very self sufficient and independent, im really quite dependent. im really nothing without the grace of god... what can i do without him? what am i without him? who am i without him??? whats my life worth without him?? nothing really... in a generation or two, i will be just another name. but this scripture, jeremiah 18.6, im seeing myself as the clay... clay before its in the hand of the potter isnt anything special. its kind of useless... not very pretty.. nothing nice about it, really. but, as the potter works, if youve ever seen him, sometimes youre like "what in the name of heaven is this guy doing?" but, as he works it begins to resemble something useful. . . you have an idea of the finished product. he shapes it, and when hes finished, theres a beautiful product left.. and then he paints it. he perfects it.. makes it beautiful. right now... im that ugly clay being molded. ive already been picked up with a plan of what my mold looks like... but hes just.. molding me... making me, whose just some ugly clump of useless clay, into something much more spectacular.... sometimes i wonder what the potter is doing... i think hes doing it wrong, or messing up, or whatever... but... the clay has alot less sense than the potter... :) great scripture. that was such a mess of thoughts. hahaha im not the best at displaying my thoughts at 1215am. but.. there you have it.

later days

they have my heart!!!

...i was just looking thru old pics with a friend, and came across my ghana pics again from about a year and a half ago... its easy to forget all the emotion in a trip like this one, but when you take the time to remember, its almost like god just refreshes those works he did in you at the time and brings back the emotions and the lessons... i miss these kids. what beautiful little people. i cant wait to see them again.

so... a couple of little things mention worthy...

i am officially 5'5''.
i quite my job.
im going to germany in one month.
my school deadlines are june 12.
im seriously considering applying to AUC for summer 2010.
i want to eat cactus cut potatoes all day long.

story time. the other day at work, i was messing around with my manager, eugene chuung.. who we call choo chene... and he noticed a giant bruise on the under part of my forearm...and this is how the convo went!

eugene: holy, thats a huge bruise
samantha: i know... i dont know how it got there
eugene: you get in a fight?
samantha: me? a fight? hahah no
eugene: eeeeh youre teasing me. hey, are you a hemopheliac?
samantha: um, considering i dont know what that is, i dont think so.
euegene: let me know show you. *looks it up on the internet*
samantha: *reading* uhhh, no, im not a hemopehliac.
eugene: can be caused by trauma!! have you experienced trauma recently...
samantha: ahahhahahaha youre kidding me.
eugene: no really, haha, have you!
samantha: well... yeah, i guess that wouldnt be wrong to say.
eugene: well there you go, hemo.
samantha: *evil eye*
eugene: oh come on, its not that bad. look at this scar i have and how ugly it is!! *shows me scar*
samantha: yup. thats ugly.
euegene: so youre not a hemopheliac?
samantha: no, but i am almost anemic!
eugene: YOU CAN READ MINDS??!!
samantha:..... *pauses*..... no. thats telepathy.
eugene: of course of course.
samantha: wait a second... i woke up with a charlie horse the other night!! in my calf muscle and i have a bruise there too.. is a charlie horse considered trauma?
eugene: yeah. i guess you could say that!
samantha: well there you go. i have hemophelia from suffering from the trauma of a charlie horse on the back of my left upper calf muscle.
eugene: that was way too many big words.
samantha: he heh eheh

if you ever have a bad enough charlie horse, to create a giant bruise on the back of your calf muscle, as far as i am concerned, you too are also a hemopheliac!!!!!!!

later dayz.

and i said, break my heart for what breaks yours...

he walked past the wide window right in front of me. i sat there, ignorantly. drinking a latte, laughing... something, perhaps movement, caught my eye, and like a string tugging on left side of my head, i looked over at the man walking away from me, looked back and continued my conversation. i slammed on the breaks, mentally reversed. i had seen him, my brain took in a picture, but i didn't have a chance to think on it until a few moments later. .as my mind was analyzing the last few sentences i heard, the last few sounds and pictures, this image of a man stood almost at a halt in front of all the other things lined up waiting to be analyzed. his skin was red and raw, from a harsh windburn maybe. for what it seems, his red weathered skin may have been the result of years of emotional, physical and mental stress that made its way from his inwards to his outwards. he walked as if attached to his right leg was a heavy weight... the shoes he wore on his feet were worn down, ripping along the seems. on one shoe, the lace had been torn and so opposite his limp, he drug his foot to keep his shoe from slipping off. his jeans were dirty, as was his jacket. crippled fingers poked from beneath the hem of his over sized and outdated jacket. fingernails needing to be trimmed had dirt beneath them, and the upsides of his hands looked as if he had been digging through dirt and blackberry bushes... torn, weathered.... the collar of his jacket came around his face, as if he was trying to hide as much of himself as he could. although his head was hung low, i caught a glimpse of his eyes, that i am sure i could never forget. they were so blue, but at the same time - almost white. they looked like the saturation had been stripped from them and all that was left was a thin layer of light blue on a stark white eye. his eyes were like nothing i've ever seen. piercing, i don't think, would be too strong a word. his patchy silver whiskers made a poor excuse for a beard.

my eyes quite obviously looked him up and down several times within a couple of seconds, taking in everything about this character. it took another moment for my eyes and mind to connect, but when they did, and when i realized what was right in front of me, i think it was also quite obvious that i felt as if a wrecking ball had been swung right into my stomach. i wasnt frightened in the least to approach him, i wanted to rush out and invite him to sit with me interview style. i wanted to bless him, to hear his story, to fix him. fix him... my arrogance frustrates me. fix him... i cant fix him...

again, as my minds eye runs up and down this character walking past the wide window in front of me, i feel as if the entire contents of my stomach are being forced upward as my whole body shifts into vertigo. i was at a loss... for words. i was too slow to action, though i wanted to leap from my seat and bring him by the arm to the table i sat with my friend, again.. my arrogance... ugh. to ask such a man who so evidently has been brought down to almost complete ruin by either his life's consequences or someone else's? to sit with... me? honestly, i wanted to run after him and stop him. i wanted to bring him in, clothe him, feed him, hear his story, bless him, pray for him and let him go, but that stupid wrecking ball had left me shambles. i panicked...

i wonder what thoughts were going through his head as he limped quickly past the window. . . was he trying to think of where he would find money to get the bus from here to the salvation army? was he thinking of where he could find an ash tray for fresh smoke butt? was he wishing he had an address to give to register for a blue hospital card? was he trying to find an excuse to walk into mcdonalds, so he didnt have to walk up and down, up and down the streets? i dont know. maybe i shouldnt know. all i can do is wonder. but this man left me feeling so... useless almost. my arrogance shattered me to the core, showing myself how unthankful i am for what i have. i am thankful, i am. but i dont realize how blessed i am, and how careless i am with my blessings.

it just occurred to me now that a common prayer of mine is "break my heart for what breaks yours"... maybe the purpose of seeing this man was to make me realize how blessed i am, and to consciously be aware and much less careless... or maybe it was to break my heart for what breaks his. maybe it was an opportunity to be the arms of jesus... i dont know. i know that this memory i have will be a difficult one to erase. although, at the moment i wish it would go, because i have a headache from crying over his face that is the reason for this post...