In less than forty days from now, I will be flying to Germany. What am I thinking? Im crazy. I didnt think it would be a big deal, but this flying across the world by myself is kind of... a big deal. When I was booking the flight, for whatever reason, maybe because Im a retard, I wanted stopovers to kind of... split up the trip... but now Im wishing I hadnt!! By the end of the trip, I'll at least be more street smart.

Aside from that, Gods been speaking to me today about who he is and who I am. Who I am in him, who I am through him, and who he is in me... This line from a song has been running through my head all day...

More than enough for me; my sufficiency, His grace it always abounds to me. In every part, You always are more than enough.

There has to be a line below that phrase, that everything I do, everything I say, everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I am need to fall under; that covers me, regardless of my stress, fear, expectations, hopes, dreams, hard days, horrible days... His grace always abounds to me... that's the defining line that everything I am falls under. My God is a good God. That's what Ive got, if nothing else. . . a good God.. and its all I need. Sometimes its not all I want, hahaha, but I know its all I need. God is an awesome God.

gods so good, isnt he?

lately, all Ive wanted was everything he is. i cant explain it. the more of myself that i give up, the more of him he replaces in me. in my every weakness, he has been my strength. in every mistake he has been there ready to pour his grace over me.

let me tell you something. trying to hold onto something with nothing to hold on to is really unnerving. trying to pursue something that you cannot change is just as difficult and probably more unlikely to work out. i have been learning to rely on god in every area... to acknowledge him in all my ways... and when i put myself out there, i make myself vulnerable, he takes advantage of that, uses me every time and meets me exactly where I'm at. the more i learn that i don't know as much as i think i do, the more he is able to teach me. if i were to approach god like i knew how he should respond to my prayer, I'm not likely to receive what he wants me to receive because I'm dead set on what i want him to respond like.

trusting god feels to your head like your crazy, but to your heart like your right where you're supposed to be. something Ive learned lately is that if your head is saying something to you, its a rational thought... god doesn't work with what makes sense to us. he is a supernatural god not a natural god and he doesn't change the way he works so that we can understand. we are told to live by faith which means we don't listen to our head we listen to what gods speaking to our hearts even if our heads don't understand. if our heads understood, it wouldn't be living by faith. living by faith means telling your head to be quiet and following after what god says even though in the natural, it seems like its ridiculous.

i think its everyone's weakness is being vulnerable to gods real plan for us. its not easy to trust god. its uncomfortable and it sometimes seems contradictory, but that's to our natural minds, not to our supernatural god. god is a big god. trust him. hes been around a while and he knows.

let me close with this...
if everything you do is rational, you're not being led by the spirit of god. if your trusting god even though what he said and what he is saying don't make sense - you're probably right where he wants you - trusting him and hearing his voice...

look up the story of Abraham and Isaac. Isaac had a promise over his life and god told Abraham to sacrifice him. it didn't make sense, Sarah was scared, Abraham was confused... he was like "but god.. you said..." and god said, "yes, but i want you to trust me." even tho it was hard and Abraham's head didn't agree with what god spoke to his heart, he trusted god entirely. . . notice god pulled through. ;)

wednesday bloody wednesday.

all at once, it seems to fall away. why is that? stability. security. sanity... apparently all of a sudden im not a suitable host for any of the above. i feel like i've swallowed a brick. its been weeks, though. normally, shouldnt it have digested by now? seriously. im done with this. ive asked for it back, but so far... no gifts at the front door addressed to me. i keep closing my eyes and then opening them again. i wish i could twitch my nose back to how i used to feel. i know it wont work though, so i dont bother. what on earth is going on here. that bricks still sitting there. right in the middle of my chest... i cant figure out if its my heart or if its my stomach. doesnt really matter either way. its still there. however, i have been given a couple fancy gifts. gallons of pressures... exciting. anyway. i think im going to go do something else now.

7 one-ders

my blog is suffering. i hate trying to think of something of any meer importance that is worth your time. basically, i got nothing. except this... i read about the seven natural wonders of the world. now let me see if i can still remember them...

grand canyon
mt everest
aurora borealis
victoria falls
some port of something

thats five....

and thats all i got.

but someday im going to go to all the seven wonders, and the ones i cant remember, i'll make up and go there anyway.

arise, jerusalem.

take your place.


Isaiah 60:1 has always been a scripture that stood out to me as incredibly moving, but also full of potential power, as it certainly prophetic, not necessarily calling it as it is...

"Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD rises upon you."


now, as Jerusalem is symbolic for the church, or rather the people of god, i find this scripture quite interesting. Isaiah begins its first few chapters giving a synopsis of the city of Jerusalem. “The children I raised and cared for
have rebelled against me. Even an ox knows its owner,
and a donkey recognizes its master’s care—
but Israel doesn’t know its master.
My people don’t recognize my care for them.”

definitely interesting.. . . 11 “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats.
12 When you come to worship me,
who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?

as we see, they certainly go through the motions, but god, as he says in 1 Samuel chapter six, that while men look at the outer appearance, god looks at the heart. the people of Jerusalem missed it. they continued to sacrifice their cattle, but god didn't want it. he was disgusted by it. the people of god had forgotten why they did what they did, and what their responsibility was. these people represent Jerusalem. personally, i don't think ancient Jerusalem is a lot different than we are in many ways, and i think the church, while I'm not pointing fingers at my church, yours, his or hers, i mean the church in general, has forgotten that following god means giving up everything you are for his call. Jerusalem forgot. the bible says Jerusalem was sinful. they were evil, and focused on their outward appearance rather than the matters of their heart.

"Once like pure silver,
you have become like worthless slag."

brutal. yes. brutal. worthless slag. i don't think god uses terms like that flippantly.... its very evident that Jerusalem was sinful, hardly different from that of Gomorrah. BUT! God said "Arise." take your place Jerusalem. . . verse two says, "Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you."
amazing. Jerusalem was once compared to Gomorrah, but is now smothered in the glory of the lord. "All nations will come to your light;
mighty kings will come to see your radiance." if we look at this symbolically, Jerusalem -> the people of god -> the church, once forgot the importance of what it means to follow god without the front, the actions, and outward appearance. . . they are now covered in the glory of the lord. all nations will come to the light of Jerusalem. the world is covered in darkness... as i see it, the world is so evil and corrupted and looking for something real. and the church ditched the front and found something real. it says, "mighty kings will come to your radiance. . ." that says to me, people of all sorts, regardless of their title, are so desperate, and see the church as the answer, because it is covered in the glory of god. in all the darkness, its the one thing that shines.

this isnt our reality, yet. its prophetic. arise, people of god. arise, jerusalem. were called to great things. ive been praying my heart out, saying god, what on earth am i here for? whats the calling you have on my life? and i read my bible that said seek justice. feed the poor. go into all corners of the earth. . .

"Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows"

if that isnt a calling, i dont know what is. does it get more clear?

its our world.

A child dies every five second because they are starving. In 2005, almost 1.4 billion people lived below the international poverty line, earning less than $1.25 per day. May I ask why this is a reality in our world? Turn off your music. Put down that peanut butter sandwich. For just one second, think about our broken world. Families all over the world are dying off. Starving mothers crying over their starving sons. Theyre eating dirt and bark to fill their stomachs. It’s a temporary relief of the instense hunger pains, but they’ll come back. You’ll forget about this blog three minutes after you read it, I know. But just for a minute out of your day, if it’s not too hard for you, pray for the families that are starving because they cannot find food.

january 20th and all is well..... here, at least.

i feel very lame for not updating this is a long time. however, that's only because my life is so full of other, much more important things. ok.

sometimes i wish i was a superhero. . . or at least had superhero powers. you know... i could even make do with super stretchy arms. . . today, i was at Uranus briefly.... and i saw the most brilliant invention ever. it was a fork... that stretched out like an old tv antenna. you pull it and it stretches out to two feet long so that you can enjoy your dinner AND everyone else's! there was also this clock that i really wanted, but it was an outrageous amount of money that i could put to better use like feeding the starving Africans. anyway... it said "this clock is not the boss of me!" and i wanted to buy it very badly. i couple weeks ago i was there getting luggage tags, because the ones i got for Christmas were ugly, and i got one that said "does this bag make my butt look big?" and another that said "take my bag, do my laundry." i thought they suited me quite perfectly really.... you know... i would hate to eat sand. or grasshoppers... it makes me cringe... but how many people eat that daily, if they're lucky??? probably a lot... man, you know what... life is a lot easier when you're ignorant. before i learned about sex trafficking and forced prostitution and slavery... and hunger... and abortion... my life was so simple. so easy. now i have this deep conviction that hurts my heart so badly that i always have it on my mind. whenever i spend money now, not that i feel "guilty" but i'm thinking about where else it could go or should go. maybe i'm just not so selfish... maybe... maybe i'm just learning to think about somebody other than myself and how wide my butt is. who gives a rip anyway. life is more than a series of "ironic" events and "opportunities". when were living right, its not because of "irony" that we meet people that change us. its not a "good job opportunity" because were all that amazingly special perfect and wonderful. its because gods got a plan. sometimes i worry about his plan... because at this rate ima be some woman living out in the Congo doing undercover investigations of human trafficking. god forbid. i guess i wont be worrying about how wide my butt is there, either. anyway... perhaps i'm learning an awful lot... but, it is all good. its good to learn. its good to be burdened. its good to have a broken heart sometimes. if you're hearts broken because someone else's heart has been broken, you're in the right place. so... do something about it. nobody's asking you to enjoy a hot tub of woe... just, think about somebody else. think about somebody's day.... waking up in a brothel.... being violated constantly by gross men you don't know.... being treated about as equally as an alley mut.... and then going to bed in a brothel.... that's somebody's reality. and it hurts me... it makes me just break down. i cant imagine it for me, but more than that, i cant imagine it for my sister... it makes me so angry. god i just frigging hate these disgusting crimes that our world just... thrives on. because you know, its somebody's daughter, sister, niece... some parents have to sell their daughter to provide for the others in the family, knowing exactly whats going to happen to her, and what her fate's going to be. they have to deal with that. that hurts me. that any parent should have to make such a brutal desicion that to survive they have to SELL their own daughter. can you imagine how horrible it would feel spending the money that came from your daughters worth? can you imagine getting pennies as the "worth" of your daughter, when you know how priceless she is? can you imagine selling her to sick men that will treat her like a scungy dog? can you imagine being the other members of the family remembering her? i cant. we are so blessed to be where we are. and why. darn it, why are we here? why is it that some ppl are born into such poverty while we bathe in wealth? it makes me mad. im ashamed to be so thoughtless with my spending... ugh this just frustrates me more than i can even write. how can i do something... its just not enough. this isn't okay. and this is our worlds reality. what can we do.... frig... what can we do. . . do something... for the love of god, lets do something for somebody else