so, levis in india and i really miss him. im going to europe pretty quickly here... not worried, but a little nervous about what its going to look like definitely looking forward to it and the ppl im going to meet and the things im going to see and experience, but i have an idea that it wont be comfortable the whole time... which may be a good thing. im just... really wishing things were they way they used to be right now. life used to be so comfortable and secure. i always had that person to rely on... get coffee with.. spend time with... spending time with madi and brandon makes me miss that... my life is so different from what it used to be just five months ago. i love being stretched, and ive learned so much, but im just missing that ... sense of security. theres not much security here for me right now... anywhere.. haha... its hard. its hard to realize and even harder to live through. its an hour by hour, step by step thing. one day at a time... i wish there was something tangible to place my hands on.... anything specific to look forward to... something to hold onto.... i know god has good things for me... and theyre coming, theyre here. everything just looks different. i gotta just.. rely on god to guide me every step of the way... to direct me... patience... patience patience... patience...

june 10.

just a quick update -

-germany in like.. a week and a half.. woaaaaaaaaaaah
-i ordered some cute little dresses from forever21 tonight!!
-youth was great
-i am going to miss madi tres ALOT when she moves

maybe when you were a kid, if you were anything like me, had a neighborhood water fight almost every day in the summer... i used to think it was the best thing ever. it was so intense. emma and elliot, me and levi, haley and jenna, colton and jody... all of us ballin around filling up garbage cans with water, using hoses, water balloons, buckets, bowls, squirt guns... anything we could find that would hold water we used as weapons.... i remember having buckets of water, and swinging them around and around, quite fascinated that when i spun it fast enough it didnt spill out...

lifes alot like that... youre spinning spinning spinning and youre going crazy and lifes going past you so fast, and you feel like you should be losing it, but you dont... and then your arm and your mind lose a connection somehow, and you lose that momentum, and your arm kinda ... stops... usually when the bucket is right above your head, and until it clicks that you forgot to keep throwing your arm around, the water has a chance to spill out of hte bucket. ..

this week i think i lost that momentum just long enough for all my contents to spill out of the bucket... lifes quite interesting. im seeing how god works depending on my responses.. its interesting. not that god changes, but just how much i allow him to have control over... gods good. hes faithful. always faithful.. when i give him my stress and everything that im carrying, he takes it and proves to be everything i need. grace... love..peace.. patience... iknow it sounds a wee bit corny, but its so very true. gods a good god.

Sister Day

I LOVE my sister!!!

living in grace

its unbelievable that im going to germany in two weeks today... two weeks. gosh. i better start my laundry lol, or i wont be ready in time!!! :) its going to be an absolutely crazy week for me this week. my school deadlines are 12-June... so... thats not much time to do 5 major history essays, a months worth of shakespear studies in english, as well as finishing up food studies, work experience and planning.... hmm... i think my social life may suffer this week. oh well. it will get done. no worries!! gosh, i just cant get over it. a year ago i applied for this exchange.. never thought it'd happen. i need to get some sun...

theres a few major areas in my life that may be out of balance, that ive just been working on, praying through... one of them being learning to pray through things and release them to god. what freedom there is in that... most things that *need* to be released are the hardest to release. . . a grudge or unforgiveness... jealousy... anger... hatred.... these are some of the hardest things to give to god, because their tied up in your pride. understanding your areas of weakness, and your areas of fault, and default are really important to focus on, and give extra attention to. there is such freedom when we release these things to god and give him free reign to work. when we release them, were letting go of our pride, our power, our security (as if our issues bring us some sort of security lol... sometimes you feel more secure though i guess, if you can hold onto it)... anyway, my point is that the hardest things to ask god to change in your life are also the most important. giving god free reign over your areas of weakness brings such freedom. forgiving releases life... grudges keep you in bondage. if theres anything im learning in my present days, its that its not my place to judge. its my place to forgive, to give my hurts to god, and to release it at that and move on. theres a release of life and freedom when we choose not to be angry. ive chosen both paths, and anger, judgement, and grudges only hurt me... im learning in all this, that its important to respect, regardless. its important to be slow to anger, and to not judge the situation. its so easy to quickly judge, and be angry... its easy because its natural. its the flesh. if its natural, its not being led by the spirit... a symptom (lol) of being led by the spirit is being loving when you could be angry. being joyful when you could be frustrated. having a peace of god, when you could be anxious. being kind when you have every right to be disrespectful. being patient when youre at the end of your wits... responding gently when you want to scream at them at the top of your lungs... and in it all... being faithful to your character, to who you are, to your identity in christ..... being faithful to what you believe, and to the standards you have set for yourself...

gods so good. i keep praying for something good to come out of my current struggles, and were not quire there yet, but gods working. hes a big god, and i see him orchestrating everything to work out for his glory. i love calling him my almighty... its so powerful... hes not a little itty bitty god... hes a big powerful limitless god. hes all i need... im finding that in every circumstance he satisfies me, fulfills me, gives me rest.... forgives me... covers me in his peace... hes faithful... even when nobody else is... "all of you is more than enough for all of me. for every thirst...for every need."

there must be something good coming ..

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”- Psalm 90:2,4

june 5...

well. its been some of the hardest days of my life this week. i often poke fun at those overdramatic young girls... or the emos... and definitely not that im either, but i can relate. listening to music right now is even overwhelming... theres far too much emotion in it. its like a checklist for every line in the song. yup, been there. yup, feelin that... yup... thats the truth. some days i think im just... too unaffected. its like ... when you get shot, you clean a wound... you fix it... but lately, a wounds just a wound and i dont seem to care whether i clean out the little rocks and wipe off the dirt before it heals over. i know its not right, but maybe its easier...

you know.. when youre a little kid at the swimming pool, and theres always that jerk that thinks its funny to dunk ppl? he dunks you when youre not expecting it, you panic and try to get to the surface for air, but he pushes you down again. then you start to get angry... youre sure youre going to die.... and when you finally get to the surface, all you want is a big breathe of air. well... i can also relate.


im tired of being broken, to extend grace and heal again, just to be broken... im angry for sure, but im more hurt than anything else. confused, frustrated, aching... i spent three hours puking over the toilet last night crying my little heart out. this is stupid. . . . time to move on and let go of a few dreams.

cut down? suitable perhaps. life is so full of turns and twists and bumps and... freakin unexpected brick walls that show up when youre driving 250kmh. . . what a great post on the heels of my last one. i can keep myself accountable just by rereading my own posts apparently! anyway, im not sure why im blogging right now. maybe cause im really frustrated. hold my head high. hold myself to a standard.... and winga lee dinga lee!!! a nice big rock hits me in the head and busts my chin. great. try holding it up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lifes good. gods still good. my life isnt over... but practically... almost...

not really... im being dramatic. just pray for me! for heavens sake... just pray for me. i need some wisdom from god himself right now.

later dayz.