im really overwhelmed right now with all things i need to do. i need to pack a carry on, all my luggage, my gifts for the family need to be put together, i need to organize everything... its just chaos in my head right now.. im not freakin out on the outside, my i feel like my stomach is literally tied in knots. this is going to be interesting... i have so much to do. uggggh!!!

3 sleeps

Im going to Europe in less than three days. I have Saturday and Sunday... I leave on Monday morning... Oh my goodness...

My God is a God who provides!!

Great way to start off the day... makes me laugh so hard that I can barely breathe!!!!

Today was a great little day... I spent it with Beckah and Lexi!!! It was fun.

Im leaving in a few days. Its now Friday, and I leave Monday!!!! Crazy! Time is going very fast. Im really looking forward to it. What a blessing.

You know what? Im learning that even though my life is so far from perfect, or simple, or easy, regarless of my own crap, God is still sovereign. And you sit there saying, "Uh, yeah.. obviously!" But, when I realize and remember that God is sovereign, I remember he knows it all... what I struggle with, my fears, my emotions, the outcome of every situation... He is good, always good. He proves to be faithful over and over. As I focus my attention to seeing his goodness and his faithfulness in everything, I have found myself so much more compassionate and thankful. Gods doing a new work in me, and though its far from over, Im thankful that I am able to be humbled to be used by his grace for his glory. What an absolutely amazing blessing to be used by God. And how incredible selfish and foolish to pursue my own plans... All I want, and I mean this with everything in me, is for God to complete the work he has started in me and to use everything I am for his Kingdom. . . to live my life in a way that glorifies who he is, to bless his name with my actions and with my words, to live a life of thankfulness and worship, to seek his face and live off his every word, to fulfill his call on my life and to be lead by his spirit. Im taking baby steps, one at a time, and though theyre small, they feel so big. Yet, at the same time, even though Ive grown and changed alot in the past few months, it has been hard, but not "hard". Ive had such grace from God... such freedom to forgive... freedom to love and open myself up... to learn and be taught... to teach.... to give... to experience... to grow...

"All of my life,
In every season
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing;
I have a reason to worship.

This is my prayer in the desert,
when that is in me feels dry.
And this is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides.

And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand."

Things are a little crazy right now! I just wrote my History 12 Provincial after sleeping for three hours... and now I have four major essays to write and have handed in by Friday. I work full days Friday and Saturday, and I leave for the mainland on Sunday afternoon... Im in Holy Grounds Sunday morning ... and in between all this, I have to pack, and get ready for my trip. Im a little overwhelmed, and Im already missing everyone. It will be a good trip, but its coming too fast!!! Four days away... oh my goodness... Four days!

6 sleeps.

Its really hard for me to actually imagine myself leaving. I only have six more sleeps until I go... When I get to Hannover, Helena's family is having a family reunion for like three or four days, and I dont speak *any* German. I pray to the Almighty that they speak English, or Im miraculously able to speak German.

I was trying to find a terminal map of the airport in Seattle and Paris, so I could kind of figure out how to get from one gate to the next, but...well... I'll attach a picture of the Paris airport. Next to London Heathrow, its the busiest airport in Europe. "The three terminals are connected by free shuttle buses and handle over 200,000 passengers daily." No big deal right.... I'll be fine.

sandlios and sockinos

What is it with people that make them think its okay to wear socks with sandals? Not only is this directly contrary to the purpose of sandals, its down right friggen atrocious.

Upon being paged this afternoon by speedy fingers Joanne, I made my way from downstairs, all the way to the front desk to take in a guest for a service... I'm sure my response was obvious, and likely quite rude as well, but forgive me and try not to judge because this man.... AHEM... this man... was wearing a pair of decent looking shorts... classy, nonetheless. I walked toward him and looked this slightly overweight middle aged character up and down three or four times. My mouth may have hung open, but Im not sure. As I walked toward him, it clicked for me. "Im being paged because there's a guest. This is probably my guest." I kept walking toward him as I did a few solid blinks...

He was wearing a pair of thick socks with a tight stretchy band that came about half way up his shin. Joanne handed me his sheet of paper and I quickly skimmed over his information so I knew where to take him. "3:15 Sanddollar"... alright... three fifteen... sanddollar...PEDICURE!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Ew. I cant imagine what kind of feet this guy has hidden in his woolen socks!!!! Ech!!

There are so many things wrong with wearing socks and sandals. It just doesn't look good, and I dont understand the purpose of wearing both. Like, why not just wear your boxers over your jeans? Why not wear skiing gloves in the summer??

Pradas Spring 09 line ... socks and sandals. Tons and tons of socks and sandals. Apparently... a few men in our church family are not haute coutier!!!! Socks, and gladiator knee length sandals... wool socks and sandals with 4'' heels!!!! What kind of fool??? Good lord, and who spends money on this junk?????

I beg of you with sincerity of heart... please... please don't wear socks with your sandals, or socks with your flip flops, or socks with your CROCS!!! Wear socks with your running shoes... when your JOGGING. that's it!!! Ever!!!!! Another tangent for next time.

im just on my way to work - but i wanted to quickly post this.

im so overwhelmed by gods faithfulness. even when im a total failure, hes faithful. hes protected me, hes given me strength... joy... the ability to walk in unbelievable grace.. to really trust him with all that i am and all that i have. ive been praying a blessing over me and my family and church family and friends... protection also, and just since then ... gods been proving more and more faithful. it astounds me. hes so good. he is just so stinken amazing. ppl always say i just want you god, i just want what you have for me.... and im guilty of this too... saying it without understanding that entirely... and i probably still dont entirely, but more than anything else, i just want what he has for me.. to be lead in the ways he has for me... its all i want. its what im striving for... and its not frustrating, its enjoyable and rewarding to know that gods got me on his heart and my best interest is very important to him... realizing what it means to be a daughter of the king... hhhhh.... god, youre just so good.

so, levis in india and i really miss him. im going to europe pretty quickly here... not worried, but a little nervous about what its going to look like definitely looking forward to it and the ppl im going to meet and the things im going to see and experience, but i have an idea that it wont be comfortable the whole time... which may be a good thing. im just... really wishing things were they way they used to be right now. life used to be so comfortable and secure. i always had that person to rely on... get coffee with.. spend time with... spending time with madi and brandon makes me miss that... my life is so different from what it used to be just five months ago. i love being stretched, and ive learned so much, but im just missing that ... sense of security. theres not much security here for me right now... anywhere.. haha... its hard. its hard to realize and even harder to live through. its an hour by hour, step by step thing. one day at a time... i wish there was something tangible to place my hands on.... anything specific to look forward to... something to hold onto.... i know god has good things for me... and theyre coming, theyre here. everything just looks different. i gotta just.. rely on god to guide me every step of the way... to direct me... patience... patience patience... patience...

june 10.

just a quick update -

-germany in like.. a week and a half.. woaaaaaaaaaaah
-i ordered some cute little dresses from forever21 tonight!!
-youth was great
-i am going to miss madi tres ALOT when she moves

maybe when you were a kid, if you were anything like me, had a neighborhood water fight almost every day in the summer... i used to think it was the best thing ever. it was so intense. emma and elliot, me and levi, haley and jenna, colton and jody... all of us ballin around filling up garbage cans with water, using hoses, water balloons, buckets, bowls, squirt guns... anything we could find that would hold water we used as weapons.... i remember having buckets of water, and swinging them around and around, quite fascinated that when i spun it fast enough it didnt spill out...

lifes alot like that... youre spinning spinning spinning and youre going crazy and lifes going past you so fast, and you feel like you should be losing it, but you dont... and then your arm and your mind lose a connection somehow, and you lose that momentum, and your arm kinda ... stops... usually when the bucket is right above your head, and until it clicks that you forgot to keep throwing your arm around, the water has a chance to spill out of hte bucket. ..

this week i think i lost that momentum just long enough for all my contents to spill out of the bucket... lifes quite interesting. im seeing how god works depending on my responses.. its interesting. not that god changes, but just how much i allow him to have control over... gods good. hes faithful. always faithful.. when i give him my stress and everything that im carrying, he takes it and proves to be everything i need. grace... love..peace.. patience... iknow it sounds a wee bit corny, but its so very true. gods a good god.

Sister Day

I LOVE my sister!!!

living in grace

its unbelievable that im going to germany in two weeks today... two weeks. gosh. i better start my laundry lol, or i wont be ready in time!!! :) its going to be an absolutely crazy week for me this week. my school deadlines are 12-June... so... thats not much time to do 5 major history essays, a months worth of shakespear studies in english, as well as finishing up food studies, work experience and planning.... hmm... i think my social life may suffer this week. oh well. it will get done. no worries!! gosh, i just cant get over it. a year ago i applied for this exchange.. never thought it'd happen. i need to get some sun...

theres a few major areas in my life that may be out of balance, that ive just been working on, praying through... one of them being learning to pray through things and release them to god. what freedom there is in that... most things that *need* to be released are the hardest to release. . . a grudge or unforgiveness... jealousy... anger... hatred.... these are some of the hardest things to give to god, because their tied up in your pride. understanding your areas of weakness, and your areas of fault, and default are really important to focus on, and give extra attention to. there is such freedom when we release these things to god and give him free reign to work. when we release them, were letting go of our pride, our power, our security (as if our issues bring us some sort of security lol... sometimes you feel more secure though i guess, if you can hold onto it)... anyway, my point is that the hardest things to ask god to change in your life are also the most important. giving god free reign over your areas of weakness brings such freedom. forgiving releases life... grudges keep you in bondage. if theres anything im learning in my present days, its that its not my place to judge. its my place to forgive, to give my hurts to god, and to release it at that and move on. theres a release of life and freedom when we choose not to be angry. ive chosen both paths, and anger, judgement, and grudges only hurt me... im learning in all this, that its important to respect, regardless. its important to be slow to anger, and to not judge the situation. its so easy to quickly judge, and be angry... its easy because its natural. its the flesh. if its natural, its not being led by the spirit... a symptom (lol) of being led by the spirit is being loving when you could be angry. being joyful when you could be frustrated. having a peace of god, when you could be anxious. being kind when you have every right to be disrespectful. being patient when youre at the end of your wits... responding gently when you want to scream at them at the top of your lungs... and in it all... being faithful to your character, to who you are, to your identity in christ..... being faithful to what you believe, and to the standards you have set for yourself...

gods so good. i keep praying for something good to come out of my current struggles, and were not quire there yet, but gods working. hes a big god, and i see him orchestrating everything to work out for his glory. i love calling him my almighty... its so powerful... hes not a little itty bitty god... hes a big powerful limitless god. hes all i need... im finding that in every circumstance he satisfies me, fulfills me, gives me rest.... forgives me... covers me in his peace... hes faithful... even when nobody else is... "all of you is more than enough for all of me. for every thirst...for every need."

there must be something good coming ..

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”- Psalm 90:2,4

june 5...

well. its been some of the hardest days of my life this week. i often poke fun at those overdramatic young girls... or the emos... and definitely not that im either, but i can relate. listening to music right now is even overwhelming... theres far too much emotion in it. its like a checklist for every line in the song. yup, been there. yup, feelin that... yup... thats the truth. some days i think im just... too unaffected. its like ... when you get shot, you clean a wound... you fix it... but lately, a wounds just a wound and i dont seem to care whether i clean out the little rocks and wipe off the dirt before it heals over. i know its not right, but maybe its easier...

you know.. when youre a little kid at the swimming pool, and theres always that jerk that thinks its funny to dunk ppl? he dunks you when youre not expecting it, you panic and try to get to the surface for air, but he pushes you down again. then you start to get angry... youre sure youre going to die.... and when you finally get to the surface, all you want is a big breathe of air. well... i can also relate.


im tired of being broken, to extend grace and heal again, just to be broken... im angry for sure, but im more hurt than anything else. confused, frustrated, aching... i spent three hours puking over the toilet last night crying my little heart out. this is stupid. . . . time to move on and let go of a few dreams.

cut down? suitable perhaps. life is so full of turns and twists and bumps and... freakin unexpected brick walls that show up when youre driving 250kmh. . . what a great post on the heels of my last one. i can keep myself accountable just by rereading my own posts apparently! anyway, im not sure why im blogging right now. maybe cause im really frustrated. hold my head high. hold myself to a standard.... and winga lee dinga lee!!! a nice big rock hits me in the head and busts my chin. great. try holding it up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lifes good. gods still good. my life isnt over... but practically... almost...

not really... im being dramatic. just pray for me! for heavens sake... just pray for me. i need some wisdom from god himself right now.

later dayz.

freedom

A couple of nights ago at work, I was having a really hard night. I was thinking about all these things that made my day nasty, just as a friend Janie came in for her shift. She seemed stressed and upset, so, I asked how she was doing. After a little bit of question asking, I found out that her mom had been diagnosed with cancer in her brain stem just this past week... I think my mouth literally dropped. In a split second all sorts of thoughts were going through my mind... "How does Janie feel? Is she going to move back home with her mom? How long does her mom live? Is she in pain? Is there treatment? How will this affect Janie? I wonder how Janies dealing with it... Whats going through her moms mind right now?". . . As Im thinking of this, all my thoughts came to a halt and God said, "But you have been redeemed from the curse of the law."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Immediately I had an attitude switch... a revelation, really. Im FREE from the curse of the law, because Christ was made a curse for me! Yeah, that was a smack on the cheek for me. Im healthy. Im free. I dont live in bondage, or fear. I am free. FREE. . .

Janie walked out of the staffroom a little while later, and went on with her shift... Sue walked in not long after, and said to me, "How are you, Sam?" ... and I looked at her, put down the pool cup, and said, "Im doing good! Im doing really well thank you!" I didnt feel like, and didnt look like it, but I thought to myself... "Im free.. Ive been redeemed. Im healthy. My familys healthy... Im blessed..."

I came home and studied my Bible a bit more about Galations 3:13, because all day it was on my heart and I really felt God was pressing this on me for a reason. So, I journalled about what "free from the curse of the law" means.

I am free from:
-Poverty
-Sickness/Diseases
-Spiritual death

I am studying into this daily still. Free from the curse of the law... wow. Jesus died so that these curses didn't have any place in my life... so that I could be free..

Im so captivated by this... Im so sold on living on the promises in the word of God. . . the blessing it brings to every area of our lives to live in accordance with the law of God, and in covanent with God.

God is so good. I shake my head and laugh because Im just so overwhelmed with who he is... the wisdom he gives me... the courage... the peace... the strength... because Im free... Im in covanent... Im his daughter... because of this, I look forward to every day... to be lead by the Spirit every day... to see how God can use me, every day..

Little sidenote - pray about this... study this... study into what youve been freed from!!! be thankful... constantly thankful to god for what hes done for us.... The fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom. Be humble. Be in awe... be so thankful... try to understand what Hes done for you, and you wont be able to help yourself from being thankful and overwhelmed by his goodness... thats a fear of the lord...

Im just seriously so overwhelmed by the greatness of my god. Hes so good. So good.

summer playlist <3

Samantha's Summer 009 Playlist


1. You Found Me - The Fray
2. Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
3. Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
4. Trip - Hedley
5. Beautiful - Jason Reeves
6. Droplets - Colbie and Jason
7. Change Your Mind - Boyce Avenue
8. Hear Me Now - Boyce Avenue
9. Not Enough - Boyce Avenue
10.Switchfoot - Only Hope
11.Last Day of 1888 - Kids in the Way
12.Autumn Acoustic - Haste the Day
13.Who I am Hates Who Ive Been - Relient K
14.Give Until There's Nothing Left - Relient K

"No one told me how bad I need you, but I somehow made that conclusion all by myself."

clay to the potter

im so in love with the song here is gone by the goo goo dolls...

goodness sakes.. its been such a weird couple of days for me. sometimes, i just dont understand myself. i know that sounds kind of ... emo... but really, i am me, shouldnt i know myself pretty well and understand myself? yeah well... i dont. i do the stupidest things sometimes and its a good thing theres new mercies every morning. some days i should just go right back to bed and wait for the next day, cause it doesnt take me to long to blow it.

"O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel."
jeremiah 18:6

sweet scripture. i love it. its interesting.. im learning that even when i think im strong, and i can do things on my own, i really am fragile. ive never thought of myself that way, i dont think i ever will, or could... im too... independent i guess. even when i do everything on my own, i fall flat down though, which is what i mean by fragile. maybe thats a wrong word, but i guess what i mean is even tho im very self sufficient and independent, im really quite dependent. im really nothing without the grace of god... what can i do without him? what am i without him? who am i without him??? whats my life worth without him?? nothing really... in a generation or two, i will be just another name. but this scripture, jeremiah 18.6, im seeing myself as the clay... clay before its in the hand of the potter isnt anything special. its kind of useless... not very pretty.. nothing nice about it, really. but, as the potter works, if youve ever seen him, sometimes youre like "what in the name of heaven is this guy doing?" but, as he works it begins to resemble something useful. . . you have an idea of the finished product. he shapes it, and when hes finished, theres a beautiful product left.. and then he paints it. he perfects it.. makes it beautiful. right now... im that ugly clay being molded. ive already been picked up with a plan of what my mold looks like... but hes just.. molding me... making me, whose just some ugly clump of useless clay, into something much more spectacular.... sometimes i wonder what the potter is doing... i think hes doing it wrong, or messing up, or whatever... but... the clay has alot less sense than the potter... :) great scripture. that was such a mess of thoughts. hahaha im not the best at displaying my thoughts at 1215am. but.. there you have it.

later days

they have my heart!!!

...i was just looking thru old pics with a friend, and came across my ghana pics again from about a year and a half ago... its easy to forget all the emotion in a trip like this one, but when you take the time to remember, its almost like god just refreshes those works he did in you at the time and brings back the emotions and the lessons... i miss these kids. what beautiful little people. i cant wait to see them again.

so... a couple of little things mention worthy...

i am officially 5'5''.
i quite my job.
im going to germany in one month.
my school deadlines are june 12.
im seriously considering applying to AUC for summer 2010.
i want to eat cactus cut potatoes all day long.

story time. the other day at work, i was messing around with my manager, eugene chuung.. who we call choo chene... and he noticed a giant bruise on the under part of my forearm...and this is how the convo went!

eugene: holy, thats a huge bruise
samantha: i know... i dont know how it got there
eugene: you get in a fight?
samantha: me? a fight? hahah no
eugene: eeeeh youre teasing me. hey, are you a hemopheliac?
samantha: um, considering i dont know what that is, i dont think so.
euegene: let me know show you. *looks it up on the internet*
samantha: *reading* uhhh, no, im not a hemopehliac.
eugene: can be caused by trauma!! have you experienced trauma recently...
samantha: ahahhahahaha youre kidding me.
eugene: no really, haha, have you!
samantha: well... yeah, i guess that wouldnt be wrong to say.
eugene: well there you go, hemo.
samantha: *evil eye*
eugene: oh come on, its not that bad. look at this scar i have and how ugly it is!! *shows me scar*
samantha: yup. thats ugly.
euegene: so youre not a hemopheliac?
samantha: no, but i am almost anemic!
eugene: YOU CAN READ MINDS??!!
samantha:..... *pauses*..... no. thats telepathy.
eugene: of course of course.
samantha: wait a second... i woke up with a charlie horse the other night!! in my calf muscle and i have a bruise there too.. is a charlie horse considered trauma?
eugene: yeah. i guess you could say that!
samantha: well there you go. i have hemophelia from suffering from the trauma of a charlie horse on the back of my left upper calf muscle.
eugene: that was way too many big words.
samantha: he heh eheh

if you ever have a bad enough charlie horse, to create a giant bruise on the back of your calf muscle, as far as i am concerned, you too are also a hemopheliac!!!!!!!

later dayz.

and i said, break my heart for what breaks yours...

he walked past the wide window right in front of me. i sat there, ignorantly. drinking a latte, laughing... something, perhaps movement, caught my eye, and like a string tugging on left side of my head, i looked over at the man walking away from me, looked back and continued my conversation. i slammed on the breaks, mentally reversed. i had seen him, my brain took in a picture, but i didn't have a chance to think on it until a few moments later. .as my mind was analyzing the last few sentences i heard, the last few sounds and pictures, this image of a man stood almost at a halt in front of all the other things lined up waiting to be analyzed. his skin was red and raw, from a harsh windburn maybe. for what it seems, his red weathered skin may have been the result of years of emotional, physical and mental stress that made its way from his inwards to his outwards. he walked as if attached to his right leg was a heavy weight... the shoes he wore on his feet were worn down, ripping along the seems. on one shoe, the lace had been torn and so opposite his limp, he drug his foot to keep his shoe from slipping off. his jeans were dirty, as was his jacket. crippled fingers poked from beneath the hem of his over sized and outdated jacket. fingernails needing to be trimmed had dirt beneath them, and the upsides of his hands looked as if he had been digging through dirt and blackberry bushes... torn, weathered.... the collar of his jacket came around his face, as if he was trying to hide as much of himself as he could. although his head was hung low, i caught a glimpse of his eyes, that i am sure i could never forget. they were so blue, but at the same time - almost white. they looked like the saturation had been stripped from them and all that was left was a thin layer of light blue on a stark white eye. his eyes were like nothing i've ever seen. piercing, i don't think, would be too strong a word. his patchy silver whiskers made a poor excuse for a beard.

my eyes quite obviously looked him up and down several times within a couple of seconds, taking in everything about this character. it took another moment for my eyes and mind to connect, but when they did, and when i realized what was right in front of me, i think it was also quite obvious that i felt as if a wrecking ball had been swung right into my stomach. i wasnt frightened in the least to approach him, i wanted to rush out and invite him to sit with me interview style. i wanted to bless him, to hear his story, to fix him. fix him... my arrogance frustrates me. fix him... i cant fix him...

again, as my minds eye runs up and down this character walking past the wide window in front of me, i feel as if the entire contents of my stomach are being forced upward as my whole body shifts into vertigo. i was at a loss... for words. i was too slow to action, though i wanted to leap from my seat and bring him by the arm to the table i sat with my friend, again.. my arrogance... ugh. to ask such a man who so evidently has been brought down to almost complete ruin by either his life's consequences or someone else's? to sit with... me? honestly, i wanted to run after him and stop him. i wanted to bring him in, clothe him, feed him, hear his story, bless him, pray for him and let him go, but that stupid wrecking ball had left me shambles. i panicked...

i wonder what thoughts were going through his head as he limped quickly past the window. . . was he trying to think of where he would find money to get the bus from here to the salvation army? was he thinking of where he could find an ash tray for fresh smoke butt? was he wishing he had an address to give to register for a blue hospital card? was he trying to find an excuse to walk into mcdonalds, so he didnt have to walk up and down, up and down the streets? i dont know. maybe i shouldnt know. all i can do is wonder. but this man left me feeling so... useless almost. my arrogance shattered me to the core, showing myself how unthankful i am for what i have. i am thankful, i am. but i dont realize how blessed i am, and how careless i am with my blessings.

it just occurred to me now that a common prayer of mine is "break my heart for what breaks yours"... maybe the purpose of seeing this man was to make me realize how blessed i am, and to consciously be aware and much less careless... or maybe it was to break my heart for what breaks his. maybe it was an opportunity to be the arms of jesus... i dont know. i know that this memory i have will be a difficult one to erase. although, at the moment i wish it would go, because i have a headache from crying over his face that is the reason for this post...

rev·er·ence (rěv'ər-əns)

n.

1. A feeling of profound awe and respect and often love; veneration.
2. Profound respect and esteem mingled with fear and affection, as for a holy being or place; the disposition to revere; veneration.
3. The outward manifestation of this feeling.

If there's anything more beautiful than people with such a reverence for God, show me. People humbled, in awe of their creator... no limits on what he can do... truth... just such a deep respect and love for our Father...

Hmmm... I could sit on that for ages.. just thinking... I think David had a real reverence for God. A little shepherd boy who worshiped God... who saw Gods character in everything around him. God appointed him as King... God knew his heart. Its so special really.. sincere. Proverbs 1:7 - KJV -
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

Maybe that's why God appointed men like David. They feared him as Creator... they lived in awe... on his every word! They worshiped him, because they loved him... in all aspects of living.

David never ceases to amaze me. Ive learned alot from him... little shepherd boy. Lol, I wish the Bible had pictures! Hehehe, learn some more.. ahhahah... ahha Im kidding... ahhaha Im actually laughing at myself! NICE WAY TOO END A GREAT POST! Hey, Gods good. He makes great things...

Anyway! Im at Starbucks working on an analysis of Amazing Grace, just finished an essay on kitchen safety... getting work placement agreements printed... ahhaha and trying to figure out how Im going to get everything done that needs to be done. My God is a God who works miracles, hallelujah! Come Lord Come!!

Ok - Ive got to get back to work. I would encourage you to read the Psalms though... learn from David. Hes a really cool guy. . . God thought so... I think he's study worthy!!!

Later Dayz Folks

P.S. 4 weeks til germany today!! This time, next month, I will be flying over the Atlantic... :) Whoo!!!!!!

i gotta have more cowbell baby

May 21, 2009... time goes by so quickly.

im sitting in the far corner at starbucks studying amazing grace - the life of william wilberforce. what an amazing man... its pretty busy in here like every day is at 9am... daniel eliasons sitting in the table beside me ironically enough trying to convince himself that he can become a morning person.
:) all things are possible!

cowbell... i gotta have more cowbell baby.

watch the clip :)

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/snl-more-cowbell.html

Studying Job....

On May 16 - Saturday - 2 am... I was like, "What are the specific things I want God to teach me, and what are the things that I want to grow in?" So I made wrote a paragraph in my devotional about the specific things I want God to work in me, and the things I want to be making a continual effort in. "I want to learn to pray and worship with an understanding of who God is, his character, his power..." So I started reading Job, Acts, Psalms, and Proverbs. I know it sounds like quite a handful, but its all really quite interesting how its working together. Im studying the life of Job... who he was, how he responded to the voice of God, to troubles, how he lived.... Im studying Acts because its the new way God works, and its just full of the power of God... Its inspiring really... Im reading Proverbs just a chapter a day. I always pray that God would give me wisdom and discernment in every circumstance, and though I can pray for the wisdom God gave Solomon, I need to feed myself too... so, Im reading Proverbs... I really enjoy it. As for the Psalms... Im so inspired by David. He didnt have it all together. He was a shepherd... he was by himself all the time... but he worshipped... just him and God spending time together, he worshipped. God rescued David countless times... I love Psalm 18, because it just reminds me that my God is a warrior God. There are no limits on what he can do. Hes God! The way God responded to Davids cries... vs 19 says, "He rescued me because he delights in me." Why does God delight in David? Not because he's perfect, but because his intentions are pure. He longs for more of God... He wants to know who God is... he worships from his heart... He worships not because people can see, but because he wants to honor God. David certainly didnt have it all together, and God knew it. God knows were human, but God delighted in David... because of the purity in the intentions of Davids heart. Verse 7-15 remind me of my warrior God. Vs 16 says "He reached down from heaven and resuced me; he drew me out of deep waters. He delivered me...... but the Lord upheld me... he resuced me because he delights in me..." David is referred to as the Lords servant a hundred times in the Psalms. . . He was a beauiful worshipper, and the reason Im studying the Psalms is to begin to understand how to live a life of worship in every aspect of my day to worship. . . without the band, without people.... just me and God... to learn how to continually worship God. Psalm 19 in the beginning of the chapter says, "The heavens tell of the glory of God. . . Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make him known." David saw the glory of God in everything around him, which is why and how he was able to continually worship... Im finding it really cool to study strange things... Reading the Psalms always seemed like the chincy way to "get thru devos" but... studying the Psalms is really interesting. . . learning about David... who he was... why he was who he was... who he was in God and through God... just really cool. Studying the Psalms and Job has been really good for me this week...

Interesting little fact - in Job, the later chapters like 13,14,15, Job begins to really lose his faith.. he curses the name of God and his existence... but in all this, there were men that surrounded him that reminded him of the character of God, the power of God and who God was.. hmm... Job didnt have men around him that would agree with how unjust God was... Job didnt have men around him that would pity him.. he had men around him that held him to a higher standard. They reminded him of who God is. In Job 15, Eliphaz says to Job after Job gives God the rundown of how unjust he is, "Were you the first perso ever born? Were you born before the hills were made? Were you listening to Gods secret counsil? Do you have a monopoly on wisdom? What do you know that we dont? What do you understand that we dont?.... Your sins are telling your mouth what to say. YOur words are based on clever deception. But why should I condemn ou? Your own mouth does..." Now this is really cool... verse 34 "Is His gentle word not enough?" Job scoffed at the wisdom of these men, and after telling them to not speak another word, and to just listen to Jobs plea, they spoke and said this... they knew what Job was going through. They had been with him for weeks, but they knew the character of God and reminded Job of it. vs 34+35 - "For the godless are barren... They conceive trouble and evil and their hearts give birth to only deceit."

Interesting, dont you think? I think that its really interesting that the men with Job, Eliphaz and Zophar, were men of wisdom.. men of God... men of integrity... they came around Job and even when Job scoffed at the name of God, they reminded Job of who God really was... Those are the kind of people we need around us in times of trouble and pain... not people that will agree with us, not people that will feed our negativity.. people that will remind us of who God is and stand beside us even when we dont want them there...

Gods so good... dont you think? ;)

Later days

we wont be satisfied with anything ordinary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPOKbgNP1ik

This is a fantastic song - Ive been listening to it on repeat all day!

In less than forty days from now, I will be flying to Germany. What am I thinking? Im crazy. I didnt think it would be a big deal, but this flying across the world by myself is kind of... a big deal. When I was booking the flight, for whatever reason, maybe because Im a retard, I wanted stopovers to kind of... split up the trip... but now Im wishing I hadnt!! By the end of the trip, I'll at least be more street smart.

Aside from that, Gods been speaking to me today about who he is and who I am. Who I am in him, who I am through him, and who he is in me... This line from a song has been running through my head all day...

More than enough for me; my sufficiency, His grace it always abounds to me. In every part, You always are more than enough.

There has to be a line below that phrase, that everything I do, everything I say, everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I am need to fall under; that covers me, regardless of my stress, fear, expectations, hopes, dreams, hard days, horrible days... His grace always abounds to me... that's the defining line that everything I am falls under. My God is a good God. That's what Ive got, if nothing else. . . a good God.. and its all I need. Sometimes its not all I want, hahaha, but I know its all I need. God is an awesome God.

gods so good, isnt he?

lately, all Ive wanted was everything he is. i cant explain it. the more of myself that i give up, the more of him he replaces in me. in my every weakness, he has been my strength. in every mistake he has been there ready to pour his grace over me.

let me tell you something. trying to hold onto something with nothing to hold on to is really unnerving. trying to pursue something that you cannot change is just as difficult and probably more unlikely to work out. i have been learning to rely on god in every area... to acknowledge him in all my ways... and when i put myself out there, i make myself vulnerable, he takes advantage of that, uses me every time and meets me exactly where I'm at. the more i learn that i don't know as much as i think i do, the more he is able to teach me. if i were to approach god like i knew how he should respond to my prayer, I'm not likely to receive what he wants me to receive because I'm dead set on what i want him to respond like.

trusting god feels to your head like your crazy, but to your heart like your right where you're supposed to be. something Ive learned lately is that if your head is saying something to you, its a rational thought... god doesn't work with what makes sense to us. he is a supernatural god not a natural god and he doesn't change the way he works so that we can understand. we are told to live by faith which means we don't listen to our head we listen to what gods speaking to our hearts even if our heads don't understand. if our heads understood, it wouldn't be living by faith. living by faith means telling your head to be quiet and following after what god says even though in the natural, it seems like its ridiculous.

i think its everyone's weakness is being vulnerable to gods real plan for us. its not easy to trust god. its uncomfortable and it sometimes seems contradictory, but that's to our natural minds, not to our supernatural god. god is a big god. trust him. hes been around a while and he knows.

let me close with this...
if everything you do is rational, you're not being led by the spirit of god. if your trusting god even though what he said and what he is saying don't make sense - you're probably right where he wants you - trusting him and hearing his voice...

look up the story of Abraham and Isaac. Isaac had a promise over his life and god told Abraham to sacrifice him. it didn't make sense, Sarah was scared, Abraham was confused... he was like "but god.. you said..." and god said, "yes, but i want you to trust me." even tho it was hard and Abraham's head didn't agree with what god spoke to his heart, he trusted god entirely. . . notice god pulled through. ;)

wednesday bloody wednesday.

all at once, it seems to fall away. why is that? stability. security. sanity... apparently all of a sudden im not a suitable host for any of the above. i feel like i've swallowed a brick. its been weeks, though. normally, shouldnt it have digested by now? seriously. im done with this. ive asked for it back, but so far... no gifts at the front door addressed to me. i keep closing my eyes and then opening them again. i wish i could twitch my nose back to how i used to feel. i know it wont work though, so i dont bother. what on earth is going on here. that bricks still sitting there. right in the middle of my chest... i cant figure out if its my heart or if its my stomach. doesnt really matter either way. its still there. however, i have been given a couple fancy gifts. gallons of pressures... exciting. anyway. i think im going to go do something else now.

7 one-ders

my blog is suffering. i hate trying to think of something of any meer importance that is worth your time. basically, i got nothing. except this... i read about the seven natural wonders of the world. now let me see if i can still remember them...

grand canyon
mt everest
aurora borealis
victoria falls
some port of something

thats five....

and thats all i got.

but someday im going to go to all the seven wonders, and the ones i cant remember, i'll make up and go there anyway.

arise, jerusalem.

take your place.


Isaiah 60:1 has always been a scripture that stood out to me as incredibly moving, but also full of potential power, as it certainly prophetic, not necessarily calling it as it is...

"Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the LORD rises upon you."


now, as Jerusalem is symbolic for the church, or rather the people of god, i find this scripture quite interesting. Isaiah begins its first few chapters giving a synopsis of the city of Jerusalem. “The children I raised and cared for
have rebelled against me. Even an ox knows its owner,
and a donkey recognizes its master’s care—
but Israel doesn’t know its master.
My people don’t recognize my care for them.”

definitely interesting.. . . 11 “What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats.
12 When you come to worship me,
who asked you to parade through my courts with all your ceremony?

as we see, they certainly go through the motions, but god, as he says in 1 Samuel chapter six, that while men look at the outer appearance, god looks at the heart. the people of Jerusalem missed it. they continued to sacrifice their cattle, but god didn't want it. he was disgusted by it. the people of god had forgotten why they did what they did, and what their responsibility was. these people represent Jerusalem. personally, i don't think ancient Jerusalem is a lot different than we are in many ways, and i think the church, while I'm not pointing fingers at my church, yours, his or hers, i mean the church in general, has forgotten that following god means giving up everything you are for his call. Jerusalem forgot. the bible says Jerusalem was sinful. they were evil, and focused on their outward appearance rather than the matters of their heart.

"Once like pure silver,
you have become like worthless slag."

brutal. yes. brutal. worthless slag. i don't think god uses terms like that flippantly.... its very evident that Jerusalem was sinful, hardly different from that of Gomorrah. BUT! God said "Arise." take your place Jerusalem. . . verse two says, "Darkness as black as night covers all the nations of the earth,
but the glory of the Lord rises and appears over you."
amazing. Jerusalem was once compared to Gomorrah, but is now smothered in the glory of the lord. "All nations will come to your light;
mighty kings will come to see your radiance." if we look at this symbolically, Jerusalem -> the people of god -> the church, once forgot the importance of what it means to follow god without the front, the actions, and outward appearance. . . they are now covered in the glory of the lord. all nations will come to the light of Jerusalem. the world is covered in darkness... as i see it, the world is so evil and corrupted and looking for something real. and the church ditched the front and found something real. it says, "mighty kings will come to your radiance. . ." that says to me, people of all sorts, regardless of their title, are so desperate, and see the church as the answer, because it is covered in the glory of god. in all the darkness, its the one thing that shines.

this isnt our reality, yet. its prophetic. arise, people of god. arise, jerusalem. were called to great things. ive been praying my heart out, saying god, what on earth am i here for? whats the calling you have on my life? and i read my bible that said seek justice. feed the poor. go into all corners of the earth. . .

"Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows"

if that isnt a calling, i dont know what is. does it get more clear?

its our world.

A child dies every five second because they are starving. In 2005, almost 1.4 billion people lived below the international poverty line, earning less than $1.25 per day. May I ask why this is a reality in our world? Turn off your music. Put down that peanut butter sandwich. For just one second, think about our broken world. Families all over the world are dying off. Starving mothers crying over their starving sons. Theyre eating dirt and bark to fill their stomachs. It’s a temporary relief of the instense hunger pains, but they’ll come back. You’ll forget about this blog three minutes after you read it, I know. But just for a minute out of your day, if it’s not too hard for you, pray for the families that are starving because they cannot find food.

january 20th and all is well..... here, at least.

i feel very lame for not updating this is a long time. however, that's only because my life is so full of other, much more important things. ok.

sometimes i wish i was a superhero. . . or at least had superhero powers. you know... i could even make do with super stretchy arms. . . today, i was at Uranus briefly.... and i saw the most brilliant invention ever. it was a fork... that stretched out like an old tv antenna. you pull it and it stretches out to two feet long so that you can enjoy your dinner AND everyone else's! there was also this clock that i really wanted, but it was an outrageous amount of money that i could put to better use like feeding the starving Africans. anyway... it said "this clock is not the boss of me!" and i wanted to buy it very badly. i couple weeks ago i was there getting luggage tags, because the ones i got for Christmas were ugly, and i got one that said "does this bag make my butt look big?" and another that said "take my bag, do my laundry." i thought they suited me quite perfectly really.... you know... i would hate to eat sand. or grasshoppers... it makes me cringe... but how many people eat that daily, if they're lucky??? probably a lot... man, you know what... life is a lot easier when you're ignorant. before i learned about sex trafficking and forced prostitution and slavery... and hunger... and abortion... my life was so simple. so easy. now i have this deep conviction that hurts my heart so badly that i always have it on my mind. whenever i spend money now, not that i feel "guilty" but i'm thinking about where else it could go or should go. maybe i'm just not so selfish... maybe... maybe i'm just learning to think about somebody other than myself and how wide my butt is. who gives a rip anyway. life is more than a series of "ironic" events and "opportunities". when were living right, its not because of "irony" that we meet people that change us. its not a "good job opportunity" because were all that amazingly special perfect and wonderful. its because gods got a plan. sometimes i worry about his plan... because at this rate ima be some woman living out in the Congo doing undercover investigations of human trafficking. god forbid. i guess i wont be worrying about how wide my butt is there, either. anyway... perhaps i'm learning an awful lot... but, it is all good. its good to learn. its good to be burdened. its good to have a broken heart sometimes. if you're hearts broken because someone else's heart has been broken, you're in the right place. so... do something about it. nobody's asking you to enjoy a hot tub of woe... just, think about somebody else. think about somebody's day.... waking up in a brothel.... being violated constantly by gross men you don't know.... being treated about as equally as an alley mut.... and then going to bed in a brothel.... that's somebody's reality. and it hurts me... it makes me just break down. i cant imagine it for me, but more than that, i cant imagine it for my sister... it makes me so angry. god i just frigging hate these disgusting crimes that our world just... thrives on. because you know, its somebody's daughter, sister, niece... some parents have to sell their daughter to provide for the others in the family, knowing exactly whats going to happen to her, and what her fate's going to be. they have to deal with that. that hurts me. that any parent should have to make such a brutal desicion that to survive they have to SELL their own daughter. can you imagine how horrible it would feel spending the money that came from your daughters worth? can you imagine getting pennies as the "worth" of your daughter, when you know how priceless she is? can you imagine selling her to sick men that will treat her like a scungy dog? can you imagine being the other members of the family remembering her? i cant. we are so blessed to be where we are. and why. darn it, why are we here? why is it that some ppl are born into such poverty while we bathe in wealth? it makes me mad. im ashamed to be so thoughtless with my spending... ugh this just frustrates me more than i can even write. how can i do something... its just not enough. this isn't okay. and this is our worlds reality. what can we do.... frig... what can we do. . . do something... for the love of god, lets do something for somebody else